Retrospection

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I filled the bathtub with warm water and soaked myself in it. Closed my eyes for a minute, running this year through my head. Sat on my knees, placed my hands forward, and just let myself cry. It had been a long time since I’d cried like this. Since I felt this vulnerable. The catharsis allowed me to roll straight to bed and fall asleep without having to fight the demons that now come late at night, keeping my mind awake when it should be resting.

This moment might sum up the final stretch of 2016, a year full of change and hardship, but it is not who I am.

And maybe that’s exactly why I allowed myself to break down this time. Because I never do. Because I suck it up, get inside my walls, resist the storm and protect myself like a hedgehog.

I’m attracted to order, rules, organization, to-do lists, clarity, honesty, bluntness, getting things right. All of that failed me this year. Being honest got me nowhere. For people who trade in games and secrets will see you through their lenses; and so, my truth and honesty seemed like a con.

Some of them chose to kick me when I was down. I hold no grudges. But I won’t forget.

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